The other day I was partaking in an afternoon of randomness with some friends and we began talking about the new childhood trend of "Silly Bandz" bracelets. If you don't know what they are then you are possibly living under a rock....a rock with WiFi... Anyways they are basically overpriced rubber bands that kids wear as bracelets. When they remove the bracelet the rubber band snaps back into a shape of an animal.

This seemed to me like a slight twist on the gel bracelets that are reminiscent of my freshman year of high school. I remember they eventually became banned because Oprah, or some other media whore, decided that kids were intentionally breaking their peers bracelets in order to make them perform color specific sexual acts.

This memory inspired me to ruin the "Silly Bandz" craze for the next generation. So behold a list of sexual positions that must be performed upon breaking any of the following:



Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 4

Girl: Start in a crab walk pose with both hand and feet on the floor. Raise one leg high to the ceiling while keeping the other leg extended and touching the floor.
Boy: Take the pilates pose as an invitation and hunch your back to bring your face to your partners.

Risk Factor: There is a possibility of breaking the girls arms depending on the weight of the guy and the control he has of his body post sex. Make sure you trust your partner not to crush you in the heat of the moment.



Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1

Boy: This position will require the use of a chair or bed, or a wall if you kicked ass at wall sits in gym class. Once you decide on your choice of support just have a seat, really it's that simple.
Girl: Once your partner is ready sit on his lap. The two of you should then lean forward and bring your arms above your head so you are holding hands.

Risk Factor: Without the use of your hands there is a 'slip and crush' possibly so proceed with caution.



Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2

Boy: Stand with one foot forward and one foot back for balance. Enter your girl while she is bent over and put your hands around her torso. Have your girl slip her arms between yours and extended behind your back.
Girl: Once your arms are locked into position bring your back as close to his chest as possible. Begin slowly pulling your knees up to your chest, then extend your feet.

Risk Factor: uhhh.... just look at it... if sex could kill this would be the culprit.



Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1

This one is pretty self explanatory
Girl: Hunch over, hands on knees.
Boy: Hunch over, hands on (girl's) hips.

Risk Factor I don't know....boredom?



Difficulty Level: 3
Flexibility Level: 3

Girl: you know this basic yoga pose right? I think it's called downward facing dog or something like that, but for this were going to call it the 'eager turtle' pose.
Boy: Mount your mate and proceed with the eager turtle pose using the girls back to position your hands. At this point it is necessary to mimic the male turtles mating sound. Don't think turtles make noise during sex? Oh are you dead wrong. Check out the link and mimic the sound:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R5QueuvKQ4

Risk Factor: You are essential holding a push up pose on your girls back. This does not mean you should push. Failure to adhere to this advice may result in a girlfriend face plant and a decrease in the amount of sex she agrees to.



Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 1

Fat Girl: Go ahead. Get on your hands and knees like the pig you are. You know you want to.
Chubby Chaser: Find some reigns or grab a hold of some back rolls. Dig your feet into her sides and ride until she squels...oink oink.

Risk Factor: Bruises and a risk of choking on the girl's end. A damaged reputation on the guy's end.



Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2

Girl: Kneel down preferable near a wall. Use one hand to secure your mate, and one hand to balance yourself against the wall.
Boy: Wrap your arms around your girl and wrap your legs around her back so that you are lifted off the floor.

Risk Factor: Reversal of power roles in the relationship and severe back injuries that may cause infertility.




Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 3

Girl: Lie flat on your back and bring your legs up by your head. Hold them their with your hands.
Boy: Kneel down, hunch over and then just keep going and going and going and.........

Risk Factor: If you're good: possibly reciprocation. If you're bad: A disappointing, 'that was nice.' and the possibility of your girl fucking the foreign exchange student.