The other day I was partaking in an afternoon of randomness with some friends and we began talking about the new childhood trend of "Silly Bandz" bracelets. If you don't know what they are then you are possibly living under a rock....a rock with WiFi... Anyways they are basically overpriced rubber bands that kids wear as bracelets. When they remove the bracelet the rubber band snaps back into a shape of an animal.
This seemed to me like a slight twist on the gel bracelets that are reminiscent of my freshman year of high school. I remember they eventually became banned because Oprah, or some other media whore, decided that kids were intentionally breaking their peers bracelets in order to make them perform color specific sexual acts.
This memory inspired me to ruin the "Silly Bandz" craze for the next generation. So behold a list of sexual positions that must be performed upon breaking any of the following:
Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 4
Girl: Start in a crab walk pose with both hand and feet on the floor. Raise one leg high to the ceiling while keeping the other leg extended and touching the floor.
Boy: Take the pilates pose as an invitation and hunch your back to bring your face to your partners.
Risk Factor: There is a possibility of breaking the girls arms depending on the weight of the guy and the control he has of his body post sex. Make sure you trust your partner not to crush you in the heat of the moment.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1
Boy: This position will require the use of a chair or bed, or a wall if you kicked ass at wall sits in gym class. Once you decide on your choice of support just have a seat, really it's that simple.
Girl: Once your partner is ready sit on his lap. The two of you should then lean forward and bring your arms above your head so you are holding hands.
Risk Factor: Without the use of your hands there is a 'slip and crush' possibly so proceed with caution.
Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2
Boy: Stand with one foot forward and one foot back for balance. Enter your girl while she is bent over and put your hands around her torso. Have your girl slip her arms between yours and extended behind your back.
Girl: Once your arms are locked into position bring your back as close to his chest as possible. Begin slowly pulling your knees up to your chest, then extend your feet.
Risk Factor: uhhh.... just look at it... if sex could kill this would be the culprit.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1
This one is pretty self explanatory
Girl: Hunch over, hands on knees.
Boy: Hunch over, hands on (girl's) hips.
Risk Factor I don't know....boredom?
Difficulty Level: 3
Flexibility Level: 3
Girl: you know this basic yoga pose right? I think it's called downward facing dog or something like that, but for this were going to call it the 'eager turtle' pose.
Boy: Mount your mate and proceed with the eager turtle pose using the girls back to position your hands. At this point it is necessary to mimic the male turtles mating sound. Don't think turtles make noise during sex? Oh are you dead wrong. Check out the link and mimic the sound:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R5QueuvKQ4
Risk Factor: You are essential holding a push up pose on your girls back. This does not mean you should push. Failure to adhere to this advice may result in a girlfriend face plant and a decrease in the amount of sex she agrees to.
Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 1
Fat Girl: Go ahead. Get on your hands and knees like the pig you are. You know you want to.
Chubby Chaser: Find some reigns or grab a hold of some back rolls. Dig your feet into her sides and ride until she squels...oink oink.
Risk Factor: Bruises and a risk of choking on the girl's end. A damaged reputation on the guy's end.
Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2
Girl: Kneel down preferable near a wall. Use one hand to secure your mate, and one hand to balance yourself against the wall.
Boy: Wrap your arms around your girl and wrap your legs around her back so that you are lifted off the floor.
Risk Factor: Reversal of power roles in the relationship and severe back injuries that may cause infertility.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 3
Girl: Lie flat on your back and bring your legs up by your head. Hold them their with your hands.
Boy: Kneel down, hunch over and then just keep going and going and going and.........
Risk Factor: If you're good: possibly reciprocation. If you're bad: A disappointing, 'that was nice.' and the possibility of your girl fucking the foreign exchange student.
This seemed to me like a slight twist on the gel bracelets that are reminiscent of my freshman year of high school. I remember they eventually became banned because Oprah, or some other media whore, decided that kids were intentionally breaking their peers bracelets in order to make them perform color specific sexual acts.
This memory inspired me to ruin the "Silly Bandz" craze for the next generation. So behold a list of sexual positions that must be performed upon breaking any of the following:
Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 4
Girl: Start in a crab walk pose with both hand and feet on the floor. Raise one leg high to the ceiling while keeping the other leg extended and touching the floor.
Boy: Take the pilates pose as an invitation and hunch your back to bring your face to your partners.
Risk Factor: There is a possibility of breaking the girls arms depending on the weight of the guy and the control he has of his body post sex. Make sure you trust your partner not to crush you in the heat of the moment.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1
Boy: This position will require the use of a chair or bed, or a wall if you kicked ass at wall sits in gym class. Once you decide on your choice of support just have a seat, really it's that simple.
Girl: Once your partner is ready sit on his lap. The two of you should then lean forward and bring your arms above your head so you are holding hands.
Risk Factor: Without the use of your hands there is a 'slip and crush' possibly so proceed with caution.
Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2
Boy: Stand with one foot forward and one foot back for balance. Enter your girl while she is bent over and put your hands around her torso. Have your girl slip her arms between yours and extended behind your back.
Girl: Once your arms are locked into position bring your back as close to his chest as possible. Begin slowly pulling your knees up to your chest, then extend your feet.
Risk Factor: uhhh.... just look at it... if sex could kill this would be the culprit.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 1
This one is pretty self explanatory
Girl: Hunch over, hands on knees.
Boy: Hunch over, hands on (girl's) hips.
Risk Factor I don't know....boredom?
Difficulty Level: 3
Flexibility Level: 3
Girl: you know this basic yoga pose right? I think it's called downward facing dog or something like that, but for this were going to call it the 'eager turtle' pose.
Boy: Mount your mate and proceed with the eager turtle pose using the girls back to position your hands. At this point it is necessary to mimic the male turtles mating sound. Don't think turtles make noise during sex? Oh are you dead wrong. Check out the link and mimic the sound:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R5QueuvKQ4
Risk Factor: You are essential holding a push up pose on your girls back. This does not mean you should push. Failure to adhere to this advice may result in a girlfriend face plant and a decrease in the amount of sex she agrees to.
Difficulty Level: 2
Flexibility Level: 1
Fat Girl: Go ahead. Get on your hands and knees like the pig you are. You know you want to.
Chubby Chaser: Find some reigns or grab a hold of some back rolls. Dig your feet into her sides and ride until she squels...oink oink.
Risk Factor: Bruises and a risk of choking on the girl's end. A damaged reputation on the guy's end.
Difficulty Level: 5
Flexibility Level: 2
Girl: Kneel down preferable near a wall. Use one hand to secure your mate, and one hand to balance yourself against the wall.
Boy: Wrap your arms around your girl and wrap your legs around her back so that you are lifted off the floor.
Risk Factor: Reversal of power roles in the relationship and severe back injuries that may cause infertility.
Difficulty Level: 1
Flexibility Level: 3
Girl: Lie flat on your back and bring your legs up by your head. Hold them their with your hands.
Boy: Kneel down, hunch over and then just keep going and going and going and.........
Risk Factor: If you're good: possibly reciprocation. If you're bad: A disappointing, 'that was nice.' and the possibility of your girl fucking the foreign exchange student.
I look outside and see the trees
As pretty as they dare to be.
I close my eyes and feel the wind
Empty on my naked skin.
I lick my lips in memory
of a kiss that will not be.
I hear the past in a blue jay's call
lonely and unaware of it all.
I smell the stench of memories
They linger among the pretty trees.
Limit the life I want to lead
Block the view of what I need
Take a chance at happiness
and wrap it up in distant bliss
The fear of loosing is hard to weed
but the fear of winning is worse indeed.
You'll see your life through a telescope
of future pain and distant hope.
The pretty spinning blue and green
Are fragments left of things unseen
And this is what you'll make of it
when you finally meet your maker
All those worries and fears and pain
were really just your anchor.
As pretty as they dare to be.
I close my eyes and feel the wind
Empty on my naked skin.
I lick my lips in memory
of a kiss that will not be.
I hear the past in a blue jay's call
lonely and unaware of it all.
I smell the stench of memories
They linger among the pretty trees.
Limit the life I want to lead
Block the view of what I need
Take a chance at happiness
and wrap it up in distant bliss
The fear of loosing is hard to weed
but the fear of winning is worse indeed.
You'll see your life through a telescope
of future pain and distant hope.
The pretty spinning blue and green
Are fragments left of things unseen
And this is what you'll make of it
when you finally meet your maker
All those worries and fears and pain
were really just your anchor.
I went to the ER today. I wasn't sick or anything I just took a friend. However this was the 1st time I've been to the ER not as a patient. Due to this rare occurance, and my lack of sleep, I noticed three things:
1. The ER waiting room is a very depressing place.
These people don't feel well. When I don't feel well I curl up on my couch and don't move for three days. There would be no way in hell you'd drag me to a public place to attempt sleep in a plastic chair for 4 hours. I'm just saying. It kinda reminded me of trying to sleep in the car on a family trip. Your never quite comfortable but there's nothing else to do.
2. Watching someone else get their blood drawn is actually kinda cool.
I've always been fascinated by this. I used to get blood drawn a lot and it only took two years to work up the nerve to watch them stick me. This was like that only without the pain.
3. The hospital gives out pain medication like it's candy.
Seriously, fuck the DR's office and their Tylenol 3. This girl started out her day on vicodin, got a pain med specifically for the illness, then some morphine, and finished up the day with a whole other bottle of vicodin.
1. The ER waiting room is a very depressing place.
These people don't feel well. When I don't feel well I curl up on my couch and don't move for three days. There would be no way in hell you'd drag me to a public place to attempt sleep in a plastic chair for 4 hours. I'm just saying. It kinda reminded me of trying to sleep in the car on a family trip. Your never quite comfortable but there's nothing else to do.
2. Watching someone else get their blood drawn is actually kinda cool.
I've always been fascinated by this. I used to get blood drawn a lot and it only took two years to work up the nerve to watch them stick me. This was like that only without the pain.
3. The hospital gives out pain medication like it's candy.
Seriously, fuck the DR's office and their Tylenol 3. This girl started out her day on vicodin, got a pain med specifically for the illness, then some morphine, and finished up the day with a whole other bottle of vicodin.
Hooray!!! I'm graduating!!!! Now what? 4 years later and I realize that I have learned surprisingly little. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot in college, it's just that very little of it came from class, books, or notes. So here it is, the top ten things I've learned each year at college:
Freshman year (a.k.a go nuts)
1. Always make sure it's not a cop before trying to bum a cigarette from them.
2. If you leave a party while hammered to get food expect not to remember where the party was, where you are, where you live, why you left.......
3. If you "forget" to wear a bra on the coldest night of the year because you hope to develop a beer jacket, expect to announce to all of McDonald's that that your nipples are now capable of cutting diamonds.
4. expect to be unable to order the correct thing and be happy when you end up with a McDouble instead of a "snack stacker".
5. YOU CANNOT PARTY 14 NIGHT IN A ROW! you will die and it will not be pretty
6. Sleeping in class will gain you attendance points, but you will be known as THAT girl.
7. Expect to see the majority of your friends only when hammered.
8. Even if your shoes are off and you make it to your own bed, know that you are always fair game.
9. Sex and pizza are the same, it's a great idea at 2am but by in the light of day it's never the same.
10. If your not on academic probation by the end of your freshman year you can consider this a win.
Sophomore (a.k.a The comedown)
1. Expect to make a bad roommate decision at least once in your college career, expect that it will come at the worst possible time and expect that he/she will be certifiable.
2. Moving off campus seems like a good idea until you realize there is a negative correlation between what you can afford and how close you will be to campus.
3. You'll begin to realize that you might actually have to do something with your life. Identity crisis commence.
4. If you live in a smoking dorm you can smoke anything (and I mean anything) without too much concern.
5. If the cops not, don't answer.
6. Expect to feel pathetic whenever you stay in on a weekend night, especially if you can hear parties around you.
7. You may begin to find parties overwhelming and juvenile at some point. This is normal and it will be awhile before you do anything about it.
8. You will wonder what the fuck you spent your graduation money on.
9. You will never have clean clothes. Own it. Accept it. Find multiple uses for febreeze.
10. At the end of this year time starts to fly, blink your eyes once and you'll be in a cap and gown.
Junior (a.k.a I'm smart too)
1. Expect to develop thoughts of salaried jobs with benefits in elaborate cities throughout the world. Don't worry it's just a phase, it will pass.
2. Put more effort into your job because of your increased *necessary* expenses
3. Try to be more of an adult by getting a pet or attempting backing, burn the food and forget to feed the cat.
4. Expect to do something incredibly illegal without much thought.
5. Expect to freak out about said illegal thing.
6. Slowly return to the hibernation phase that was present in your adolescents. You may stop seeing certain people because they live too far way.
7. Plan and go on many trips that turn out to be less than you hoped for.
8. You will disappoint your parents at some point....sorry.
9. The greatness that is alcohol will diminish once it become readily accessible.
10. Bars are only fun if your drunk. 4 dollars for a cab is way better than 4 hours of noisy incomprehensible boredom.
Senior (a.k.a OH MY FUCKING GOD)
1. Expect to *work* (i.e. go to school, work, internship, ect.) a 40 - 60 hour work week. Expect to be utterly exhausted by this.
2. For ever 25 jobs you apply to you will get one call back, for a job you don't really want in a location that's inconvenient for a pay that's less than adequate.
3. You will feel like your smarter than the rest of the world and that this is actually your curse. This is normal and it too shall pass.
4. Feel utter despair about the impending doom that is 9-5, mortgage, insurance, marriage, kids, ect.
5. Feel absolutely bored with your social life yet find a surprising comfort in that boredom.
6. Adderal. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
7. You'll begin to notice more and more people your age who are getting married and having children, you will not be one of them, your mom will want you to be one of them.
8. If you go to a wedding single, people will literally force you to catch the bouquet. Or remove it from the flower girl's grasp and hand it to you.
9. Expect to do something really random and inappropriate while under the influence. Upscale sushi anyone?
10. Expect to consider grad school as an alternative for growing up.
That's pretty much it. If your a 5th year senior, sorry there's no category for you. Repete the existential crisis of senior year.
Freshman year (a.k.a go nuts)
1. Always make sure it's not a cop before trying to bum a cigarette from them.
2. If you leave a party while hammered to get food expect not to remember where the party was, where you are, where you live, why you left.......
3. If you "forget" to wear a bra on the coldest night of the year because you hope to develop a beer jacket, expect to announce to all of McDonald's that that your nipples are now capable of cutting diamonds.
4. expect to be unable to order the correct thing and be happy when you end up with a McDouble instead of a "snack stacker".
5. YOU CANNOT PARTY 14 NIGHT IN A ROW! you will die and it will not be pretty
6. Sleeping in class will gain you attendance points, but you will be known as THAT girl.
7. Expect to see the majority of your friends only when hammered.
8. Even if your shoes are off and you make it to your own bed, know that you are always fair game.
9. Sex and pizza are the same, it's a great idea at 2am but by in the light of day it's never the same.
10. If your not on academic probation by the end of your freshman year you can consider this a win.
Sophomore (a.k.a The comedown)
1. Expect to make a bad roommate decision at least once in your college career, expect that it will come at the worst possible time and expect that he/she will be certifiable.
2. Moving off campus seems like a good idea until you realize there is a negative correlation between what you can afford and how close you will be to campus.
3. You'll begin to realize that you might actually have to do something with your life. Identity crisis commence.
4. If you live in a smoking dorm you can smoke anything (and I mean anything) without too much concern.
5. If the cops not, don't answer.
6. Expect to feel pathetic whenever you stay in on a weekend night, especially if you can hear parties around you.
7. You may begin to find parties overwhelming and juvenile at some point. This is normal and it will be awhile before you do anything about it.
8. You will wonder what the fuck you spent your graduation money on.
9. You will never have clean clothes. Own it. Accept it. Find multiple uses for febreeze.
10. At the end of this year time starts to fly, blink your eyes once and you'll be in a cap and gown.
Junior (a.k.a I'm smart too)
1. Expect to develop thoughts of salaried jobs with benefits in elaborate cities throughout the world. Don't worry it's just a phase, it will pass.
2. Put more effort into your job because of your increased *necessary* expenses
3. Try to be more of an adult by getting a pet or attempting backing, burn the food and forget to feed the cat.
4. Expect to do something incredibly illegal without much thought.
5. Expect to freak out about said illegal thing.
6. Slowly return to the hibernation phase that was present in your adolescents. You may stop seeing certain people because they live too far way.
7. Plan and go on many trips that turn out to be less than you hoped for.
8. You will disappoint your parents at some point....sorry.
9. The greatness that is alcohol will diminish once it become readily accessible.
10. Bars are only fun if your drunk. 4 dollars for a cab is way better than 4 hours of noisy incomprehensible boredom.
Senior (a.k.a OH MY FUCKING GOD)
1. Expect to *work* (i.e. go to school, work, internship, ect.) a 40 - 60 hour work week. Expect to be utterly exhausted by this.
2. For ever 25 jobs you apply to you will get one call back, for a job you don't really want in a location that's inconvenient for a pay that's less than adequate.
3. You will feel like your smarter than the rest of the world and that this is actually your curse. This is normal and it too shall pass.
4. Feel utter despair about the impending doom that is 9-5, mortgage, insurance, marriage, kids, ect.
5. Feel absolutely bored with your social life yet find a surprising comfort in that boredom.
6. Adderal. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
7. You'll begin to notice more and more people your age who are getting married and having children, you will not be one of them, your mom will want you to be one of them.
8. If you go to a wedding single, people will literally force you to catch the bouquet. Or remove it from the flower girl's grasp and hand it to you.
9. Expect to do something really random and inappropriate while under the influence. Upscale sushi anyone?
10. Expect to consider grad school as an alternative for growing up.
That's pretty much it. If your a 5th year senior, sorry there's no category for you. Repete the existential crisis of senior year.
So not that I'm actually anticipating anyone reading this (nice girls never finish first) but I figured the blog had to start somewhere. So for those of you who can't tell, I'm being ironic and literary, or trying to be anyways... read the bio you'll see. No I'm not a goodie too-shoes who will preach about abortion and abstinence while taking it in the ass from her youth leader at the church retreat. Sodomy is the way to be! My point is (and my roommate can tell you I take forever to get to the point) I'm not a nice girl.
Sure most people consider me to be nice, don't underestimate the power of youth and appearance. I work with children, I *have volunteered, I assist friends in need, and even get the urge to save animals (people are really adamant about NOT bringing stray cats home). But through it all and just like 99% of the population, I'm assuming, I lead a double life.
Our outward appearances and actions NEVER match the underlying person. Some are just more truthful about it than others. And to be honest, I'm not one of those people.
Sure most people consider me to be nice, don't underestimate the power of youth and appearance. I work with children, I *have volunteered, I assist friends in need, and even get the urge to save animals (people are really adamant about NOT bringing stray cats home). But through it all and just like 99% of the population, I'm assuming, I lead a double life.
Our outward appearances and actions NEVER match the underlying person. Some are just more truthful about it than others. And to be honest, I'm not one of those people.
